Closure from an Abuser

Getting closure from an abuser is like everything else that you’ve had to deal with him.  Like everything else you’ve wanted from your abuser – you never got it and he’s not going to start now.

As we all know, break ups are hard, but breaking up with an abuser is even more difficult. Abusers are manipulative and controlling. They will allow you to say what you want to say and then turn it against you.

Wanting to face an abuser after the relationship is over is a desire, just like in any normal relationship. However, it will do more harm than good. By facing your abuser, you are giving him the opportunity to re-victimize you all over again. He was not kind and sympathetic to your feelings the entire relationship, he’s not going to start now.

As a matter of fact, I know this from breaking up with my abuser multiple times. Every time I told him it was over, it wanted to explain to him why and end it on a clear note. And every time, my need to get closure backfired on me. He never gave me the closure I needed; he never said the words that I wanted to hear. I didn’t realize it until now, but he’s not capable of doing that. No abusive man is.

Most of the conversations would start out sincere. Me telling him “I’m really hurt by the pain you caused me. I tried so hard to make you happy. Why would you do something so horrible to someone you love?” I’ll stop myself right there. Knowing what I know now about abusive men, I would never in a million years say those lines again. I am showing a sign of weakness. I gave him an opportunity to convince me that “it wasn’t that bad” and he “didn’t mean to hurt me”. From there is it all downhill for me, I have given him the opportunity to say “I’m sorry, I’m going to change; I love you.” Instantly, I’m taken back and believe him. As do a lot of women. But it’s a ploy, part of his master plan. He is only trying to put you back under his control and unfortunately, it will probably work.

Instead of looking for closure in these types of relationships, you need to find other outlets to get over the breakup. Because you will not get it from talking to him. Here are some other ways to release your energy over the end of the relationship.

1. Write him a letter, but don’t even think about sending it. This will release all of the words that you’ve been wanting to say to him on how horrible he made you feel. It will be just like you told him to his face, but you are not giving him the power to say what he wants to say to re-victimize you.

2. Have a bon fire. Burn items that remind you of the relationship. Throw in photos, clothing, birthday cards, and anything else that reminds you of him. While you’re at it, burn that letter too.

3. Gain Knowledge. Starting reading and learning what you just went through and how to heal from the destructive pain inflicted on you. Knowledge makes you powerful and that’s something your abuser never wanted you to have.

4. Become you again. Abusers make us change into people that satisfy them. During the relationship, you probably lost who you really are. Set out to find your true, great self again. Do things you love, take up hobbies that you stopped because of him, and build positive relationships with others.

Image: photostock /


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